Weighing on me

Why is the number on the scale so important? I try not to weigh myself and trust my clothing (the way it fits) and the way I feel...but after this challenge of working out and eating right and portion control I wanted to see. I should not have done that. The number was ridiculously high which means it was higher before I checked.

Why does weight weigh so much on my mind? I am more than a number on the scale yet I when that number isn't what I expect or want it to be, a downward spiral of self worth begins. I beat myself up mentally and feel less of a person.

The body dismorphia also begins again so I become Honey Boo-Boo's mother in my mind...except I'm able to run distances and workout daily.

No matter how old I get or how smart I am or how aware...I'm still returned to the chunky kid who was made fun of in grade school for being over weight. I'm happily married and have great friends who love who I am not what I look like...yet all I feel right now is self loathing because of a number on a scale.

Why do I do this? I know I'm not alone yet I can't seem to stop the cycle. It's just a number right?