Somedays you step in it, sometimes you are it

I keep thinking that to myself, I am assuming it's because I keep finding the dog poop after I have stepped in. Somedays you step in dog poo, somedays you are the dog poo, and other days are just awesome.

You would think with all of the positive things happening in my life I would be just in the awesome phase...that is not the case. I realized that somedays I just can't seem to stay away from the steaming pile of poo...but other days I do feel that I am negatively impacting someone else's day (though not intentionally). That's the thing though, the poo does not intentionally negatively impact someone's day, it just does. In all actuality it's the owner of the dog who is impacting you by not cleaning up the dog poo...but as a dog owner, I feel I can state that they (most of us at least) are not intentionally negatively impacting your day either. Sometimes people are just lazy (dog owners who don't pick up the poo), other times people are just unobservant (dog owners who don't realize that their dog left that poo), and another alternative is that people are unprepared (dog owners who do not have enough poo bags so they are unable to pick up the poo, but then become potentially the lazy person as they do not return to pick it up).

There very well could be those few dog owners out there whose sole purpose is to intentionally leave their dog's poo out so that people will step in it, thus intentionally trying to negatively impact your day, but there can't be that many Axis II dx (aka personality disorder such as Antisocial Personality Disorder) people in the city of Chicago...can there?

Back to what I had started saying...before I went off on the tangent regarding the different types of dog owners...it seems to me that I keep feeling as though I'm stepping in the poo and I may actually be the poo to others. I want to get this funk over with, but until I accept being the poo as well as stepping in the poo, I don't believe I can force myself through the poo.

Do you ever have one of those days/weeks/months where you just don't feel you have any control over your emotions? I'm beginning to wonder if we are meant to. Perhaps if we just allow ourselves to be open and honest and truthful with ourselves, our emotions would be what they are meant to be in a situation, rather than sneaking up on us at the wrong time...or keeping everything so pent up that we explode at the wrong person and at the wrong time. Maybe my friend was right and I just need to lock myself in the bathroom and cry it out...of course, I think a bubble bath would help too.

Observations of the West side

I have heard many times before how difficult it is for poor neighborhoods to get their hands on healthy food. I have seen some of the statistics for some of the poor neighborhoods in the city of Chicago before, and realized it was a problem, but it wasn't until this morning that I really paid much attention.

I drive on North Ave all the way west out of the city to get to work every morning. This morning (as I had a small green smoothie for breakfast and knew that I needed protein) I started observing how many fast food restaurants I pass by on my way to work. I did not keep an official tally, but this is what I believe I counted just in the city (not including the burbs):


Church's Chicken - 1
Popeye's Chicken - 1
KFC - 1
Wendy's - 2
Burger King - 2
Dunkin Donuts - 3
Subway - 3
McDonalds - 4
Mom & Pop Hot dog/Gyro/Beef - 8

Grocery stores:
Save A Lot - 1
Walmart - 1
Mexican fruit/veggie markets - 3

Drug stores:
Walgreens - 2

Liquor stores - 10

Again, I did not officially count, this is just me running things through my head, but yup...there are two actual grocery type stores, there plus the Mexican markets...but in the poorest parts of my drive, it's all fast food and liquor stores, with a few small shops that sell overpriced bread and canned goods.

There might be more available not on North Ave, but I doubt it...this just adds to the obesity epidemic...but I don't have the funds to buy up property to build a city farm stand :( maybe I'll start investigating how to go about working with the city to do that though.

Coming off of a SSRI

I hate coming off of SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor)...it's hell. This is the second time that I have gone on (and then come off of) a SSRI and I forgot how difficult it is. Going on them is hard, but coming off is rough too.

My anxiety had been managed for the past 6 months through medication and I've been coming off of it for the past month with a few more weeks to go. I am in the middle of a stressful time and I am not handling the stress very well. Coming off of the SSRI you need to relearn how to deal with your emotions and your spikes and valleys, but you also are having your wiring readjusted to not be chemically balanced...so you can overreact to things easily and have even wider ranges of emotions.

For me I tend to start up bad habits again, which will be stopped once the transition is completed...but the bad habits start again. I know that it's temporary but it stinks....it also stinks to feel depressed and not want to leave the bed all because my brain is trying to remember how to work without the assistance of chemicals.

Add to that this up and down stuff that's going on with my work life, and thus you have my extreme mood swings that I'm trying to keep hidden from others, and thus creates more issues and the cycle continues.

I need to get away...thankfully I will next week to the beach and the mountains and to a spiritual awakening with yoga...just one more week.

People are in their own little bubbles

I find the more that I drive and ride my bike, that people in cars tend to be in their own little bubbles. They do not see when cars are next to them, in front of them or behind them (in general). They are too busy jamming to some tunes (or more likely) talking on the phone rather than paying attention to the road.

The few that are paying attention seem to be getting frustrated with those who are not paying attention and building their road rage against other drivers and (unfortunately) cyclists.

I notice this more when riding my bike typically, though I am starting to see this behavior while driving as well. I must admit that I allow road rage to start building within me, but I remind myself that there is nothing I can do about another persons behavior, and I find my breathe. That is easier in a car than on my bike though...especially when people buzz me...even more when I'm 99% sure they see me and still buzz me. That's part of city riding though.

Day 40 of 40

Wow...40 days already gone and I feel amazing.

I had no idea how strong I could become in 40 days. This morning I did part of my yoga practice (approximately 45 minutes...but didn't get to do lower back and abs, that will have to be after work). I felt incredible and so strong. Last night during my practice at the studio I kept pushing myself and felt great. I almost was able to do a headstand.

I had no idea what I was in for when I started this journey, and even if I did, I doubt it would have ended up however I expected it to. This journey is all about getting what you need, when you need it, how you need it. So many challenges popped up during this journey, and each one was gotten through. I learned so much about myself and finally honestly love myself...even with a bit of extra weight.

Some things that I have discovered along the way:

-It is hard to let go of things, but it is possible. When I let go of things I do feel that there is a hole left behind that must be filled...and I will be aware of this and attempt to fill it with positive things.
- Once you step out of the comfort zone, it can feel incredible.
- Coming apart is a part of any process...and sometimes it just feels good to cry and let it all out.
- The rocks are hard to remove, but once you see them and start the process, the heart, body, and soul feel so much lighter.
- It's difficult to be still, but it is necessary to be still.
- It's nice to let go and not plan everything super far in advance...this allows for change and flexibility.
- Finding my drishti is not just for my yoga practice, it is useful in life.
- Many of the teachings of yoga are good for life...and the philosophy of yoga is slowly being incorporated into my life, creating so much calm and peace...I dig it
- The key for survival is to find my breath
- I enjoy practicing on my deck by myself, but I like the energy of others practicing with me
- I can be way too hard on myself, especially when I listen within my meditation
- Life is pretty amazing

Namaste

Sidetracked, but finding my way back - day 38 of 40

I was sidetracked earlier this week regarding my center and my breath, but I am finding my way back to me. It's amazing how when I am slightly off center/balance and do not have my guard up, how easily I stumble.

Over the weekend I had a lovely time, though a bit too much alcohol was consumed. This threw me off with my practice. I took Saturday off as a rest day and finished the previous week on Sunday. On Monday I went for a yearly check up and my doctor said things which I took as I am doing everything wrong. I have since recovered from this, however, it threw me for a loop. It has taken me 4 meditations (2 hours worth) to find my center and breath again since this discussion. I realize now that if I am off balance my guard must go up in order to protect myself.

I look back at earlier posts as well as the journal I am keeping for this journey, and only last week I was stating how centered I am and how happy I am with my body and spirit...on Monday it was though I had forgotten all of that and felt so small yet so large. Small in emotion and as a voice, large in terms of size. I realize again that I am me, I love myself, and I am worth more than I give myself credit for. Others love me, but I need to love myself and remember that I love myself.

This journey has had me open up to the fact that I am worth so much more than I thought. I do need to remind myself of the laws of transformation, especially to "relax with what is" and to "be true to yourself". When I do that, the light returns to my eyes, my heart, and I feel at peace and centered.

I have 3 more yoga practices to complete and 5 more meditations until this journey is complete...though I do hope and plan to continue on, as this journey was just the beginning.

Day 32 of 40 days to personal revolution + quinoa

Yesterday was a testing day for me. I had to wait, a lot yesterday. I felt off and not excited about the events...tired as well.

After work (which dragged on yesterday) I went to the chiropractor. I was early, but I needed to be out of there by a specific time. I waited a bit (due to my being early). I was "slow moving" according to the doctor, and the massage therapist noticed that my muscles were very tight, as though I were very stressed out (which I did not think that I was). I was then off to the hair salon. I did arrive 20 minutes early to my appointment, but my appointment started about 40 minutes late...thus I waited for an hour. I tried to be in the moment, I tried not to worry...but then the treatment to my hair ended up taking longer than expected so I did not leave until 3.5 hours after I arrived (2.5 hours worth of stuff done to my hair). I felt that between the chiro and hair, that I meditated enough for the day.

I was not upset, but I was getting irritated because I was hungry. I focused on that hunger and realized it was my own doing that I was hungry, but I was proud of myself for not giving in and getting sweets...I did give in and had cheese & crackers, jerky, and a grilled cheese for dinner at 9:30 last night...but it was that or nothing, and I knew I was going running this morning so I opted for that.

Once home, I relaxed...and I was happy that I had everything done yesterday...but being in the moment and not getting upset or frustrated was difficult...I was proud that I was only irritable towards the end of the appointment and I did not take it out on anyone...I let it go :)

This morning was a wonderful morning. I got out of bed at 5:45am and the puppy and I were out the door. A warm up walk followed by a run. It was 60+ degrees and very humid (so my hair has not stayed as lovely as it was last night, but that's ok). We ran about 2.5 miles with about 3 stops in there to walk because the puppy was trailing behind. Right after 2.5 miles, the puppy stopped and sat down in the middle of the sidewalk...refusing to move. I tried everything I could think of, and finally, I lifted up his bottom and he got up and walked 2 more blocks...and then sat down again. Now he had an audience, so he got up a bit quicker, and then started playing tug-of-war with his leash, and pulled me about a block...only 1 block left and he could have his breakfast...so that last block was just fine. It ended up being about 30 minutes of running and 30 minutes of walking overall, so a lovely morning.

Yoga will be this evening, 75 minutes of vinyasa at the studio. I'm looking forward to this class very much tonight. Tomorrow will be a solo practice at home followed by a lovely french cooking class...I'm looking forward to being in the moment at that :)

In terms of being grounded, I'm trying...I continue to focus on the present, and being here, and accepting things as they are...but man that's tough sometimes!

Finally, breakfast this morning...quinoa

I cooked up 1 cup of quinoa (1 cup quinoa, 2 cups water, bring to boil, simmer until water is gone)
I then took about 1/4 of what I made and had that for breakfast with 1/2 of a fresh mango and a tiny bit of agave nectar.

Holy yummy! I plan to have this again tomorrow and on Saturday with apples instead. I've read that this is a great breakfast, and I've seen others enjoying it, but now I have...and I share it with you.

Delicious :)

8 days remaining