Nerves

I'm starting to get really nervous about all sorts of unknown (and uncontrollable) things. I am 99% sure that this is a normal part of pregnancy, but wanted to write about it anyway.

My due date is 5 weeks away from today. 5 weeks away...35 days...holy cow, 35 days away. I realize that he can really come at any point between now and then (and a few days later) but still...35 days away.

I'm nervous about labor, which is funny because a week or two ago I told my husband I wasn't. I know it's going to hurt, but I know it's temporary. Of course, as my baby has less and less room, and I experience these fun "practice" contractions more and more, I'm becoming nervous about labor.

I'm nervous about delivery...so much can go right, wrong, unknown!

I'm nervous about the weather and about traffic. It's Chicago, I realize that there is always going to be traffic, I'm just nervous about it. Weather at the end of October/beginning of November can be anything too.

I realize I have NO CONTROL over any of the things I'm nervous about. I think that's why I'm nervous about these things...no control. I realize I am about to enter this next stage of my life where I have no control. It's terrifying!

I'm nervous about my dogs, even though I know I don't need to be. I need to be aware but not nervous. I'm nervous about my recovery, what if I can't leave the upstairs of my house for a week or two due to delivery complications?

What if I don't know I'm in labor? What if I go too early or wait too long? What then?

So many things to obsess and be nervous over, it's insane. I keep trying to do little things here and there to set my mind at ease, but it's not working anymore. Plus the exhaustion is just overwhelming...but I still try. Yesterday we went to the Farmers Market, made chili and an apple pie, and put up Halloween decorations...I just laid down in between those things.

Today, I will work all day, swim, and hopefully put away some of the baby's clothes. Tomorrow I will work on packing my bag (which is another holy crap moment). My husband needs to pack his own bag...and I need to remember to pack stuff for the baby in my bag. Oh and installing the car seat, but that's my husband's job.

Again, all scary things...all things that I'm starting to ask, "what did we get ourselves into"...but I know that it will all be alright in the end...I mean come on, Weezer's new album is even called, "Everything Will Be Alright In The End" that's a sign right?

31 weeks and counting

Hello everyone,

As usual, I took a summer vacation from blogging...mostly because I'm too busy at work and too tired when I get home.

Baby news is he is still cooking (yes a he)...I failed the one hour glucose test which was bad but passed the three hour test which is no fun at all, but I passed. I had friends telling me in the middle of the three hour test that I can deny it...why would you tell me that after I've already started the dang thing???

So here are some new observations since I left you all.
- People see you as pregnant and feel they can say anything they want to you.
- Showing that you're pregnant makes people feel they can touch you
- My friends and people I wouldn't mind touching my belly are the ones who are most likely to not touch my belly...it's the strangers who feel that they have the right to
- People love to tell horror stories (either their own or ones that they have heard)
- People love to tell you what to do and how to do it in regards to all things pregnancy, baby and raising a child
- Overweight people love to tell you how HUGE you look when you're pregnant
- People do seem to be more understanding of brain farts when you're pregnant
- People do seem to smile at you more when you're pregnant
- People still do not move out of the way and will bump into you

I think that the worst thing was a very large woman asking me how far along I was, I responded about 6 months and she said, "no you're not, you are way too large to only be 6 months pregnant"...that was the worst one. She was larger than me and just wanted to insult someone else I'm guessing. In the same regard though, the opposite statement bothered me too...a colleague hadn't seen me in a while and didn't notice I was pregnant (this was right around the same time the large stranger had said something to me)...I mentioned my pregnancy and my colleague was shocked and said that "you're hiding it well". How can I be both too large to be 6 months pregnant and hiding it?

Now though I'm shrugging it off much better than I was, but man people sure think that they can do whatever they want around you when you're pregnant!

I've also been trying very hard not to have discussions with people regarding sensitive subjects, such as natural birth versus epidural or other drugs; vaccinations/vaccination scheduling; circumcision; faith etc. People sure want to know those things though.

Clothing

So I'm in the 2nd trimester (yay) officially and everything. 14 weeks preggo today. I was able to run faster and further today so you know that things are getting better (even if it was just a 13:30 pace).

I've read a bunch about how in your first pregnancy you don't really start to show until 20+ weeks, yet your regular clothes stop fitting by week 12 (on average because no two pregnancy are the same, blah, blah, blah).

My body is not liking regular clothes nor is it really liking maternity pants. The tops rock and I'm loving them (except the ones with all the ties on it...more on that to come). The bottoms are too big but I had to wear them today because none of my other pants fit right. So I'm already at elastic pant land. I'm ok with this because it means my baby is growing, but I am not a fan of so many books/websites/communities/blogs saying I'm not really showing it's bloat or something else. No, I'm showing. Except when I took a comparison picture from when we first found out at 4 weeks to now, it really doesn't look like I'm showing in the picture, but I feel like I'm showing and I feel like I look preggo. Maybe it is a state of mind sometimes.

Now as for the shirts and some of the dresses, they are made to show off your belly. Now yes, I am happy to be pregnant and excited to show off the belly when there really is something to show off. Right now, in this in between mode though, it's difficult...I just feel like I'm showing off fat not baby. As someone who has struggled with her weight my entire life, it's difficult to think that I'm going to show off a belly. I need to learn to take pride in this, and I'm thinking in a few more weeks I will because it will be more obvious that I'm pregnant. For now though, it's just odd. So the dresses are stretchy but tight, it's weird. And the shirts, they have these ties on them so that you can make it more fitted to show off the belly (and huge boobs). So today I turned the ties around to tie in the back but I have huge boobs. One of my new bras is already too small (I started off a 36C, my 38D is too small, luckily I have on 38D that's more like a 38DD) Oh and speaking of bras, ladies who normally have 38DD+ I'm so sorry that bra shopping sucks so badly! I wanted one without underwire and I couldn't find any! That's why I got the 38D that felt like a DD (translation for men, big boobies and bigger boobies). I suppose I can go online to buy a new bra there.

Last rant about maternity clothes, jeans. I tried on 6 different pairs of jeans on Saturday and NONE of them fit. Way too tight on my thighs, and this was at a company I normally buy my jeans at. I was so sad and even told my husband that it didn't look like I'd be getting any maternity jeans, he reminded me I went to one store. Still super sad :(

Oh and bathing suits...I'm debating about getting one. I kind of need one for the end of this month (I'll be 17 weeks when I need one) and potentially might go to the beach this summer, but I didn't last summer. I'd like to go swimming when the pool at work opens too, but who knows when that will happen. What do you think? Get a maternity bathing suit of just wear old clothes for kayaking and canoeing this summer?