It's been a while...

Since becoming a Mom I haven't really thought about blogging. This morning though I had the realization that I need to get some things out. Writing seems to help with that, especially on things that I need to revisit for my own health and well being. A blog may not be the best place since it's a public forum, but it's what I'm choosing to do this morning.

Back in July my husband and I started a change in lifestyle. We started eating very healthy and working out. It all began with 21 day fix extreme (21DFX), a 21 day program through BeachBody. There is a regular 21 day fix (21DF) program but we (accidentally) ordered the extreme. I remember that first week my legs were jello! We also were doing food prep for the next day until 9:30pm or so. We did it for 3 weeks and were very proud of ourselves. We took a couple weeks off from the extremeness of it, but stayed eating healthy with portion control and kept working out. We started another round in September and then another one in November. In between rounds we stayed healthy and worked out and really viewed it as a lifestyle change.

It's now March and we've changed out the workouts to Insanity Max 30 which is insane, I'm not going to lie. But it's the end of week 3 and I'm feeling strong!

So why talk about all of this? Well, after having my son in November 2014 I began to really accept myself for who I am, no matter my size. I was able to have a great pregnancy, have my child naturally, feed him, take care of him, and all sorts of other accomplishments. That experience really made me realize I am more than a size, I had my identity and I was good with myself. I was proud of my body too, carrying and birthing a child is pretty amazing.

In July of 2015 though I started to want to be healthier for my son, my husband, and myself. I still had 7 pounds to lose from the pregnancy (I had gained 40 pounds, so a pound a week pretty much) and I wasn't at the healthiest weight when I got pregnant either, but my "numbers" were always pretty good, I was just a bit overweight. Making these lifestyle changes improved all of that.

So here I am, about 8 months later, down 40 pounds and feeling amazing. But what do I see? That's the problem, I don't. I realize I'm 4-5 sizes smaller than I was in July. I feel incredible and have tons of energy and can keep up with my toddler (which is really what I want). I know I am healthy (again what I want) but why can't I "see" me?

I have (self diagnosed) body dismorphia. Most of my life I have been overweight. I remember as a child "dieting" all of the time. I remember my Mom doing the yo-yo thing my entire life. I don't want to do that to my child. It's not fair to him nor is it fair to me (it's not fair to my Mom but she continues to live on that roller coaster and I can't change that for her, I can only change my choices). So because of this, when I look in the mirror (or at pictures) I don't see me the way others see me. I realize that there have been scientific studies that show many women (or people in general) don't see themselves as others do, but I relate well to that.

For example, this is me in July, 2015




This is me this morning (March, 2016)

Lets look at this side by side shall we?


I don't see that woman on the right, not yet, I hope to one day, but I don't see her. The good news is, I don't see that woman on the right anymore either. I see myself like this (only I don't really have this cleavage)


Why am I writing all of this? Because I think it's important for others to know this is a thing. I think it's good for me to revisit this time and time again so that I can see the changes I have made. I think it's important that I realize that I am not a size or a number, I am so much more than that, and I have (mostly) discovered that...but it's still hard to recognize and see.

I truly see these things about myself. I am strong, I am outgoing, funny, a great Mom (who loves to babywear and breastfeed and all the hippie stuff you can imagine), a fun wife, a bestie, a workout queen, a doggie lover...I love to laugh and enjoy a good cry, I procrastinate when I can. I love my family, I love my tribe, I love life, I love the spring and fall but enjoy all the seasons. I am me and I love that! It's about time that I see me for all of the things that are me though, including how I look on the outside as well as on the inside.

But why am I changing my lifestyle? Because if you had these two in your life, wouldn't you?

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