Is it really that bad?

I haven't worked two jobs in a long time, like 4 or 5 years. I went into grad school the fall of 2007 which is kind of like working two jobs, but not really. Being in this working a full time job with a part time internship (along with school) is taking it's toll on me, and I'm only 2 months into it. But hey, I've got over 100 of the 700 hours I need so that's good, right?

It was hard interning two nights a week, after work, along with one night of school after work. Those days I'd work 8:30-5 (pretty much straight), commute, intern 6-9 or 6-10 and commute home. Saturday's I gave up because I need to work with someone so instead of interning 8-2 like I had initially hoped, I'm interning 12-6 on Saturday's. That does give me some time in the morning to sleep in, do laundry, or go to the chiropractor, and it gives me Saturday nights free to relax and do whatever...and Sunday's to have fun or do homework, or clean.

Not anymore.

Now, I am interning Saturday & Sunday. My goal is Saturday 12-6 and Sunday 8-12 so that I can still mostly have my Sunday...of course I have a race coming up so I won't be interning until noon on that day...you know, run a 5k, get some food, shower, intern for 4-5 hours. Then there's my birthday on a Sunday which I do not want to work...which I may have to fight for...oh and the Bears game that the bf bought me tickets to back in July...but I'll find a way to make it through...it's only about a month with no days off, then another few weeks without a day off. Hopefully by January we'll be able to change the schedule up again so that I won't have to work 7 days a week.

What is it about working 7 days a week that is so bothersome to me? If I ever become a parent I'm never going to have a day off, I'm always going to be working on something. Why does it bother me now?

Totally f'd - repost from LJ

If you have access to my friends only posts on LJ then you've already read this...well I'm slightly modifying since I don't have a friends only filter setup on here. I'm focusing on my concerns regarding my internship and my life.

I have had 2-3 anxiety attacks in the past 3-4 days. I have had stomach problems for the past 2 days, and what appears to be a never ending headache.

I am 100+ hours into my 700 hour internship yet I am unsure if/how I will get my 600 other hours. Why? My schedule is changing today because someone left and I don't know if anyone can cover the hours I need someone there with me.

I'm worried as all hell about being f'd. I'm worried as all hell that I can't keep this up. I'm feeling really vulnerable right now and am having a really hard time keeping it together at my desk this morning.

Add to that my work stress...I need a position that is 8:30-5 and no need to stay later...my team works 9:30-6, I'm here 8:30-5 most days, 8:30-6 or later on days without school or internship. I had to leave last night at 5, left by 5:15, most of my team was here until 6:45, I'm a bad boss.

I have too much on my plate, but I can't afford to do what I want to do.

I can't take another class next semester because I'm too stressed with what I've got already, but I NEED to take another class in order to graduate...I'd like to take the class this spring so I can get the financial aid, but unfortunately that's not an option because the class is on Monday nights. Here's the kicker, the class is a Stress Management class.

I can get through this...it's only another 8-9 months of my life, right?

F me

Anxiety - crud

I noticed this past weekend that my anxiety has increased dramatically. Both on Saturday & Sunday nights I had random panic attacks that showed up out of no where. I had enough sense in me to slow my breathing, remind myself everything is ok, and just talk myself out of them. It never got "too" bad, but it was bad enough to remind me of how bad they can get.

The only thing I can figure that could trigger such a response would be the haunted house I went to. I really enjoyed the haunted house, and they are meant to increase one's anxiety. I was pretty calm throughout the haunted house, so I'm not sure if that really did trigger it.

My other thoughts are my sleeping habits, and general maintenance habits. I'm working hard at getting these habits back on track, but it's a slow process.

Only other option is that the chiropractor is fixing my back & neck and I've noticed physical changes because of it, perhaps that has something to do with my anxiety as well?

I don't know what the trigger was, but I do plan on taking steps to identify and fix it. But, as a true scientist, I can only check one thing at a time to ensure that I am not identifying the incorrect cause. So I'm starting with sleep schedule. I'm working very hard to be in bed by 10:30 and up by 6:30. I managed to do so last night, however, I made the conscious choice to stay in bed until 7 this morning (ok, 7:08). That was my choice though, unlike last week.

If sleep doesn't work, I'll identify a new area to pick. I need to give each choice at least a week to test it though. And document, document, document (and why am I not going into experimental psychology?)

Newest obsessions

So in school last night we were exposed to "laughter therapy". I really want to investigate this further and try to lead a laughter group, not an official one, but I would think that in a chronically mental ill population, laughter therapy would be a good moment for them. I need to read more before I even try to introduce it...and I wouldn't be a certified laughter therapist for quite a while.

Another obsession, I have been listening to more main stream music, I haven't done that in a while. I really wanted to listen to some Lady Gaga so I asked a friend if he had any, and of course he did. He gave me a website to go to though so I can make a playlist...www.imeem.com. So of course for a good 30 minutes this morning I was creating a playlist to listen to at work.

Lady Gaga
Beyonce
Kayne West
and of course, The Prodigy

Yes, I have a weird taste in music, but this is where my music thoughts are today. I will add some White Lies later I'm sure.

Excuse you!

This morning I noticed lots of rude behavior on the el that I would like to expose here, in my venting blog. We'll call them observations though.

Rude lady - I stand a few steps back from the edge of the platform of the el for safety reasons. I had been standing there for a few minutes waiting for the train to come. Along comes a lady and steps right in front of me. There is plenty of room to either side of me, behind me, etc. She just stood right in front of me. Then, the train comes, and she jumps in front of everyone else who had been waiting before her. Not only that, she doesn't step out of the way for the people getting off of the train, and then STOPS right where she wanted to stand, not allowing others in without pushing.

Rude man - It's a crowded rush hour train. There is not much room on the blueline by the time you hit Division/Chicago/Grand area. Everyone squeezes in and finds as much room as they can. Please do your best to not FART! And if you let one slip, I can understand, but man...5 silent but deadly farts in the amount of time it takes from Division to Clark & Lake? Really? That's about 5 minutes...it seemed as though the moment the smell went away, he let another one go.

I admit, I was more offended by the smell of the farts than I was by the rude woman. I don't blame the man as much as I do the woman though.

I just wish people could be a bit more considerate of others, especially on the morning commute.

A call for help - reposting from LJ

I'm curious as to any thoughts the random people who read my blog have for me to adjust my schedule so that I can have more energy, get more workouts in, and get better sleep. Plus, eat better. Below is my schedule, I'd love any input.

Sunday - my day of rest. I tend to go for a run in the morning, do some cleaning, watch football, go to the grocery store, and cook. Plus I do homework if I need to.
Monday - I work from 8:30-5, jump on the el, intern from 6-9ish, jump on the el to the bus, get home by 10, relax for a few, in bed by 11.
Tuesday - I have to be at work 9:30-6, but typically am there 8:30-6. I try to run on my lunch break or I run home from work on Tuesday's. I either do laundry, run errands, or relax on Tuesday's (last night I went to the chiropractor which I think will be a Saturday thing in the future).
Wednesday - I work from 8:30-5, take the el home to get my car, go to class from 7-10 (sometimes I have to be there at 6 for a meeting before class). I get home by 10:30 and try to be in bed by 11.
Thursday - I work from 8:30-5, jump on the el, intern from 6-9ish, jump on the el to the bus, get home by 10, relax for a few, in bed by 11.
Friday - I have to be at work 9:30-6, but again, typically am there 8:30-6. I have been having plans after work on Friday's so I don't always get home at a normal hour. I also tend to drink more than I should on Friday nights.
Saturday - Errands in the morning or laundry in the morning (though it may turn into going to the chiropractor at 10). Intern from 12-6. Run errands, "free time"

So as you can see, Tuesday's and Friday's are the only weeknights I can be home for dinner. I've been trying to bring balance bars as my dinner for M, W, Th nights, but haven't always been remembering to do it. Plus, I don't really have time to eat at the hospital. I'm trying to run at lunch when I can, but the problem is, no shower...plus I have lots of last minute lunch meetings that get thrown at me. I added the chiropractor this week because I've been having lots of mild back and neck pain that I can't ignore anymore, and come to find out my right leg is functionally shorter than my left leg currently because my hips and back are out of whack. This makes running more than 4 or 5 miles painful, so I haven't even tried.

I could wake up a bit earlier in the morning to go running or do yoga or workout, but I'm having a hard time waking up. I'm trying to go to bed early, but I'm not home until 10 most nights, and I can't just go right to bed.

I don't know what to do...does anyone have any thoughts that could potentially help?

Best boyfriend ever

I have the best boyfriend in the world.

He loves me
He cooks for me
He cuddles with me
He rubs my feet when I've had a rough day
He goes shopping with me
He goes to places that make me happy, even if he's not the biggest fan
And when I say I want to lose weight he tells me I'm sexy no matter what, but if I want to lose weight, he'll support me
And that's just for starters :)

BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!

New shoes!!!

I have very few free nights in any given week. This week, however, I did have a free night that I took advantage of!

I like running home on Tuesday nights, it really helps me calm down from the day. Last night was windy as anything out (up to 50mph gusts!) and I ran the 3-3.5 miles home from work. It really felt good. When I got home, the bf had water for me right away, I jumped in the shower and then it was time to go SHOE SHOPPING!

We headed up to DSW and spent a good hour going up and down the aisles. I was having a hard time finding exactly what I was looking for (brown, that's what I wanted, brown). After the bf found a pair for himself (really nice shoes that were on sale!) we went looking for brown shoes for me. We found a pair (and I'm wearing them today). They are really quite comfortable, a bigger heal than I'm used to but it's a thick heal so stable. They're kind of like oxfords but with a heal. They are shiny brown shoes, but not overly shiny. I like them a lot.

The thing was, there were so many boots that I really, really wanted to find a pair of boots as well. I have a pair of black boots, so I was looking for brown boots or even gray boots. After trying on a good 20 pair (I kid you not) we found the most comfortable, awesome looking boots in the store. They are Nine West, suade, brown, up to my knee, scrunchy...they are amazingly comfortable and amazingly awesome.

The bf thought I was going to wear those today, but I have a bunch of walking to do tonight so I figured the new shoes would be better than the new boots. I will be wearing the new boots on Friday if not tomorrow and Friday...they are so awesome.

After shoe shopping for an hour, we drove around looking for food. I really wanted to do something nice for the bf and going out to dinner seemed like a nice idea...only the problem is neither of us had a craving, well no...he had a craving for Wendy's but decided not to have it. Instead we heated up some chili and that ended up being a really good plan! I do hope that I can take him out to dinner one of these nights though...for tapas, yes, mmm, tapas.

So NEW SHOES!

Can you take my picture?

So today was my come back race and it was a perfect day for it. Upper 40s/lower 50s, sun, slight breeze (well it was a bit breezy) and just a great day to be back racing. My plan was to run at a comfortable pace and not worry about my time, just try to be consistent. I was...9:30 pace which was hard to do (9 minutes the first mile and no clue about 2 and 3).

After the race a bunch of us met up, 8 to be exact. I had my camera in my bag (gear check) and wanted to get a group shot. Well, we were standing right next to the gear check line, so I went up to a woman and asked if she could take our picture. She looked at me, said no, then looked away. The person standing with her saw I was shocked and he responded, "I suppose I can" but was not very pleased about it. I didn't know what to do so gave him my camera and said thank you.

So, um, people say no when you ask them to take a picture? I mean, I would never ask someone who looked like they were in a rush...but really? You're standing in a line that's not moving as you try to get your gear.

Is this something that has happened previously, to anyone? Is this a new trend that I haven't experienced yet? Is this something that, well, is becoming common place in our society? It takes 30 seconds out of your day...if that.

I'm still shocked at this, and really could not believe it happened. I suppose I should stop being shocked by the responses of others.

And the fog cleared

I woke up this morning and I could breathe. I didn't want to over think that since it had been a few weeks since I had that sensation. I jumped in the shower (well not jumped, stepped I suppose, not enough energy to jump), did my neti pot (just to be on the safe side) and still felt pretty good. There is still something lingering but it appears to be closer to my allergies than what I've been feeling. To play it safe I still took my allergy meds and plan to tomorrow & Saturday as well, though I may switch back to the non-decongestant on Sunday.

I feel human...and it really was all of the sudden.

So now I get to plan how to spend the rest of my fall. I know it's silly, but I want to have things planned out now that I'm feeling better. Below is my ideal schedule for the next month or two...yes, I'm a super planner.

10/1 - internship
10/2 - I'd love to go for a run in the morning, we'll see. I'd also LOVE to go out on a romantic date with the bf, but we'll see how we both feel.
10/3 - internship, pasta dinner
10/4 - Bucktown 5k, brunch, cleaning, swapping out summer clothes for fall clothes
skip to the weekend
10/9 - sushi with LG
10/10 - internship, nice dinner at home
10/11 - Chicago marathon (cheering), LG's going away party (with her family)
skip to the weekend
10/16 - potential work function
10/17 - internship, OAT rides again (LG, Sean & I go out for our last evening until she returns)
10/18 - I'd LOVE to go to Long Grove today
skip to the weekend
10/24 - internship
10/25 - make chili & potentially apple pie
skip to the weekend
10/30 - end of month, LG's going away thing
10/31 - internship, celebrate Jeremy's birthday? (OR make clam chowder & hot dogs as always)
11/1 - if we go out for Jeremy's birthday, make clam chowder & hot dogs today

Ok, so that's just October. I must go to Long Grove soon...I was thinking next weekend (or even this weekend) but I don't think it will work. Long Grove is this magical place for me...I just love the fall. Add to all of this I'd like to go running at least once a weekend and potentially a long bike ride. I'd even love to dash down to Starved Rock and see the colors change while hiking...or up to Wisconsin...problem is the Bears bi-week is 10/11 so I'll need to find someone other than my bf to go with me...anyone?